Snakes and Ladders

Remember that board game with ludo on the opposite side... all you needed was a dice , an opponent and those flat colored dots to represent you on the board. Well it would be hard to believe that somebody of our generation didn't play that one. The game had a start and a finish point with a 100 steps ... lots of ladders and as many snakes... colored , spotted/striped snakes with fangs and that forked tongue ready to gobble your dot and shift you through there long tortuous body to a far far lower square .... eating up all your lucky dice throws. The ladders were the high points .. I loved the one which took you straight to the nineties row... Snakes and ladders was the more adventorous version of the Ludo game which is also was about reaching the destination. You raced your opponent without being eaten up by the snakes. Anyways in this video games era the little ones would give me a look of disdain if I suggested a board game like that and would be labelled uncool for sure. But somehow today the game flashed in my head as I tried to see it through a different looking glass. Life sometimes is like that game of snakes and ladders. A twist of luck and you achieve the unexpected though it happens as infrequently as the ladders in the board game. The Snakes are more real in this harsh competitive world today. All your hard work can turn to dust in a second and you are back to square one. But what is the game all about... to my eyes it is all about rising up after falling down...but in totality it's about rising .... ladders are the obvious means but snakes are the hidden ones.... cos once you fall you rise .. it's inevitable...but you have to be willing enough to throw the dice again...
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Another Prayer ... of Gratitude...

Dear God,


I said a prayer when I was losing faith
When I failed to gather the strength to take the next step....

I decided to call Quits and said my prayer ...


But I forgot that little story of footprints..... 

 


When I thought there was nothing left in me...
You made it happen .... You didn't call quits....

Through my loved ones you gave me courage
and strength and lifted me to my 'Karma'
and once I reached there you made me
realise that I could face it all....

I almost witnessed a miracle and I
do not know how things came to this point....

But dear God I am grateful that you proved
the story of footprints in sand for me....

The beautiful messages you sent me through
unsuspected means which I am now deciphering
slowly while I do away with burden of my ordeal....


Sometimes when we call Quits .... dear God you
keep your faith in us and never call quits...

Love you God ....for carrying me in this trying time...

Bless me with happy thoughts and take care
of my loved ones as you took care of me...

Amen....

A prayer...

Dear God, 

Kindle hope in my heart ... 
gimme strength to see all the dreams crumble 
and turn to dust.... 
but bless me with more dreams .... 

let me learn not to regret... for whatever decisions 
I make.... 

let me embrace life as it comes.... 

let me slow down and be free of what the world 
might think of me.... 

or how lonely or silent things may become ... cos 
I decided to quit .... 

let me understand that quitting is not always a 
sign of weakness.. 

let me experience all the good I can do even 
with all the broken tools... 

let me understand that those who love me will 
love me no matter what and those who change 
according to my success and failures 
are not worth a thought.... 

let me feel the gratitude for all your blessings 
without feeling the fear of losing them... 

let me find ways in the darkest of times... 

help me stand on my feet again... 

I know it will be a slow change and the suffering 
would not end just now ... right now....even miracles 
take time to reveal themselves... 

but help me learn to like myself even when I falter... 
when I fail to be what I ought to be... 

But let me believe most of all that you are there 
with me in every decision I make ... even the most crazy ones... 

let me believe that when I say 'I am on my own' you 
are there as an integral part of 'me'.... 

let me understand I am human and help me 
stay 'human'.... 

let me imbibe the positivity you have scattered around me 
like a sponge... let me soak it up to the core that there 
is no space left for the opposite charge ... for negative 
feelings and pessimism.... so that even when the hard times 
squeeze me out... all I exude is positivity.... 

let me find joy in raindrops and sunshine and not 
be bothered about what others have achieved ... 
save me from jealousy.... let me find sweetness in 
whatever you have blessed me with.... let me shun 
discontent... 

let my eyes see good in every event.... 

At this moment dear lord let me understand ... 
calling quits is a not a weakness and life will 
show me new ways to find meaning and purpose... 
let me believe that you are an integral part of me 
when I make this decision..... 

Amen! 

This time of the year has suddenly turned out to be such a repetitive ‘torture’ time for the past couple of years that I seem to be caught in a inescapable  time warp and a vicious vicious cycle that I consciously trap myself in everytime I have a chance to get myself out in that part of the year when the autumn leaves come twirling down.

It’s a decision trap... an escalation of commitment .... a supposed impossible dream... a silly deviation of my mind that engraves question marks on many a faces ..... I had smiled at that when I set foot on this path .... so sure that it’s my destiny ...... But this time of the year brings the toughest tide when I stand face to face with all that I am not... all that I lack .... and sometimes it’s difficult to salvage a sinking heart .... hard to tide over a herculean hurdle of my own choice.

More then anything else the silliest part to deal with is  when I lack the nerves to handle it all. It’s true that  true ingredients for success lie within ‘you ‘and it’s disheartening when I suddenly turn into this totally negative domain repelling positivity when I need it the most.....then my cognition goes haywire and I cultivate more and more  poisonous crops (thoughts) of self –defeat.... it grows and grows until my head is brimming with an aching burden of  fear of failure. From there begins the slow crumbling of the sunny dreams I build over years  dating back to childhood.

It’s hard to see myself like that .... cos deep down I know I been struggling to rise above it. Its like stretching out like an elastic band and snap! Coming back to square one with a little ache and bruise on your mind. What is beyond me is how come I haven’t called quits.... on all social scales it’s stupid to be pursuing something like that neglecting all personal endeavours .... and off late I have begin to believe the futility....

But then what’s wrong in being scared .... what’s wrong in losing?..... what’s wrong in trying for the sky and falling over and over again..... and I am gearing up for another fall..... i dunno what it would be this time .... .. frozen feet reluctant to take the plunge... but suddenly collapse into a fall with a pounding heart..... a bungee jump with all protected fall ... but a fall anyway..........  a  headon collision or a cushioned fall......... or may be ..... just may be .... this time I learn to rise ..... I learn to defy gravity.. maybe .... I grow wings this time..... and soar above the vicious cycle........

P.S. Need to say a prayer ..... each passing day....

It was an ordinary Sunday evening as I sat in front of the television with my cup of tea. A leisurely time .Before I could take a sip I was disturbed by strange vibrations and then suddenly the bed started moving too and fro. I reflexly blurted “Is it an earthquake?” and then within a few minutes we evacuated our house and stood outside wondering. A phone call gave an indication of some earthquake in Patna. It were the tremors of a distant earthquake that was clear by now. I had felt the tremors of the Bhuj earthquake a decade back and it was horrifying.  I was reluctant to go upstairs as I felt the 4.8 Richter aftershocks as well and my family agreed when the news confirmed a 6.8 Richter earthquake in Sikkim and a second one of 4.8 Richter scale.

It took time to unfold all the damage and loss of life. The intensity of the earthquake was so high that it could have been devastating had it been a densely populated metropolitan. What we felt was just a few seconds of horror and when the earth danced beneath me I didn’t know where to keep my feet and my thoughts. It was a blank head wrapped in fear. Nothing immediate or remote mattered which I was probably musing over before that sip of tea. The terrain it primarily effected has sparser population has an ongoing power project on the river Teesta by Teesta Urja limited. It was God’s grace that even earth’s wrath and ‘tandav’ could not unleash that great a devastation. It was the day of Vishwakarma Pooja and most workers had not come to work because of the Pooja .What a close miss!!

The Buddhist monastery Sikkim which turned into rubbles , could have been a century old if not for the earthquake. The fateful day being a Sunday the prayers finished at 5:30 in the evening rather than the usual 6:30 pm saving the monks from the earthquake that hit at 6:10 pm. God saved them all.

It took me sometime to normalize . All I wondered was that we are so badly entangled in the thick of thins that we fail to see the fraility of our existence. It was a two second tremor that brought me face to face to reality ........... it is other thing that I inevitably sunk back in the ‘maya jaal’ ... the ‘matrix’ by Monday morning J.  Same old juggling through the day ....racing and whining  endlessly for otherwise ‘meaningless’  goals .