'Girtey hai sheh sawar hi maidan-e-jung mein..'

Between success and failure there is an important concept of standing up and facing things. Despite knowing that it has all fallen apart and despite the remotest understanding of how it went so bad .... between success and failure there is a mid zone of facing things . 
It’s neither success nor failure but the sheer strange human capacity of standing up with wobbly knees even though it might be apparently or genuinely certain that the outcome is bad. I have been a bookworm ... a workaholic ... and most times I functioned on the all and none principle. I have seen success and I have seen a trail of failures (how I define it). The new thing I learnt that sometimes it’s neither success nor failure that matters it’s just the gut to face it .... to stand by yourself... by your decisions . Trust me it takes more strength than succeeding and failing which actually and eventually would be the outcome. 
Today when I type this I separate this ability to go and stand in the battle field from winning and losing . I honour this strength ... this ability to be there .... to keep a promise... to face the consequences without worrying about the outcome. This is something I learnt today. It is difficult to keep standing when your beaten and bruised and your mind keeps telling you ... you took the wrong path and your heart knows that it was a bad turn you took.... but despite those strong forces of logic and intuition breaking you and shattering you .... if you still walk up to that place and face it... no matter what it is .... I guess it is a divine endeavour.... I don’t deny that the people around you , your friends and family may become your pillars of strength and help you deal with such hard situations... give you moral and verbal support . Truth is it is something within you that would probably sail you through... and not pick the easy option of running away.... it is something within you that helps you choose fight instead of flight... 


This is a note to myself and all those who stood there and fought .... who went there and faced it... with worn out tools... with understanding of ones limitations.... despite a gazillion negative thoughts and fear of falling ... of failure.... This is far above winning or losing .... far greater achievement than success ..... far more dignified than failing without trying.... 


I won’t say that I don’t fear failure ..... a lot of my academic success has been driven by fear of failure.... and I now understand how much damage that did to me and my capacity to learn. I have an inherent zeal to learn to go on.... Today I learned the precious lesson of facing things.....and giving up the easier path ... even though the outcomes in both the cases was same ... 


I do not know if tomorrow my fears overcome me and I don’t let my wobbly knees to take a chance... but today I know I was able to go beyond success and failure .... though it wasn’t the easiest thing to do.... 
I take this opportunity to salute all those who face their circumstances even though they might be the biggest failures in terms of the measuring scales this competitive world devices.... today my heart is filled with immense respect for those who stand up and face things without bothering about the outcome....specially those who do it with a smile !

Spaces...Emptiness...

I read one of Paulo Coelho's books titled ' The witch of Portobello';it was as usual filled with crazy yet heartwarming insights on life and love ... beautifully blended with magical realism. One of the things I particularly remember was about 'spaces' . So many times we get overwhelmed by the gaps.. the spaces ... the emptiness in the course of our lives . They are inevitably there . It gets dreary at times and we yearn for some meaningful motion in our lives ... but the cosmic drama seems to have taken an indefinite break and we try to desperately seek some thing to engage our minds while the lull lasts.... Coming back to what I read in the book... the protaganist tries to find some peace and escape from her turbulent life by learning calligraphy.As she masters the beautiful curves and working with a steady hands ... her teacher tells her the importance of spaces.... Let me put it in the simplest way I can if I had typed the entire paragraphs without bothering to press the space key... you would have gone dizzy reading it ... what more you wouldn't have understood a single word. So her teacher impressed upon her that it is the 'spaces'... the seemingly insignificant gaps that give meaning to every word that is written... else it would be a cluster of chaotic letters lying in succession and teasing your brain.. For me it was more than a bit enlightening... the spaces help the substance express it's meaning.. the spaces lend a helping hand for life to express itself more meaningfuly...so perhaps the spaces give you time to gain clarity... and to perceive things as they are meant to be... It might be true for relationships too. Sometimes you need to move away for a while to understand what the relationship and the person really means to you .... reminds me of a quote ..." Absence is to love what wind is to fire... it extinguishes the small but inflames the great..." Spaces may also help you sort your way out of the chaos and reflect upon your soul . Help you bond with yourself. So perhaps when you feel that you are wrapped up in emptiness and you might die of boredom... think again ... may be it's a gift that might help you find clarity and solace you had been missing subconsciously.... let those spaces and gaps and emptiness help you see the more meaningful things in life .... As I type this I am developing a great affection for the space bar on my key board.... so cheers to spaces !!

The Golden shower tree....

Memories are a wonderful way of keeping track of our lives... may be all the movies that grossed on the concept of amnesia ...(Fifty first dates was a sweet!!! one.... momento was an interesting backwards 
watch for me... You , me and Hum.. well leave it.... Sadma was so heart breaking that I never gathered the heart to watch it again) may enlighten us how important memories are. Perhaps how keenly 
we capture moments of our lives through the camera speaks how much we want to preserve and relive the happy moments even if it's through a flat image... 

All old people narrate the olden golden days with a precious toothless smile.... you might mock them in younger days or get flustered by the repetition.... but some memories lighten up and brighten up our days .... far far ahead in time... sometimes silently... almost like a dream.... 

I just bumped into a memory unexpectedly and was amazed how silently it stayed in my memory cells and still can make me happy.... 

The past few days I have been walking down the memory lane and it's been a sudden opening of secret doors in long forgotten past.... when perhaps memory itself was developing.... 

I have a great liking for flowering trees... gulmohars mesmerize me ... but golden shower trees exhilarate me...those yellow exceptional flowers strike a cord in my head every time but I could never sort clearly if it was a memory or a dream... I remember a walk through a road studded by trees on a long lost evening.... I remember I was tiny but I walked with confident steps... I remember being accompanied by an elder ... but I could never identify that person... but I remember walking a long distance and we stop at a tree and I look up and its studded with yellow flowers ... like a bunch of grapes ... so beautiful and the sparse green bringing out the yellow more profoundly... it was like a zillion suns dangling down one odd tree...I did not think of this frequently but like the neurons randomly ignite some old links ... it did flash a few times.... mostly I thought it was some dream I may have seen.... but everytime it occured to me I couldn't fail to see that it was the most memorable walk of my life... specially cos a bunch of those sunny mesmerising flowers were lovingly picked and handed over to me .... as the road got darker I was the happiest ,most amazed child walking back home.....with a prized possession of shining yellow bunch of flowers... 

I thought it was a dream for a long long time... but a few days back as I looked upon a golden shower tree from my balcony and the thoughts flooded me again ... more clearer then ever and overwhelmed by that lovely memory I just told my mother about the memory and why I have such great affection for 
a golden shower tree.... My mother said smiling that it may not be a dream cos .. when I was three there was such a road near my home that lead to a guest house .... it was starkly beautiful and 
hardly had any traffic.... and she said probably that elder who accompanied me was her uncle.....I was amazed how a memory can stick and make me happy over and over again... it was hard to believe that I retained a memory when I was just three. 

But what I felt glad about that even though life has shown me unkind times ... I have managed to retain memories like this mesmerising walk and the happiness that was imbibed in that bunch of flowers...reinforced a faith that a single good memory is like a thousand splendid suns that can burn all those unpleasant memories that stick to the mind like leeches just paralysing you from enjoying the present...... 

The Puzzle called 'Life'

My mother has a great fondness for solving crosswords, puzzles and riddles. Her latest project is a block puzzle gifted to her a few years back. It’s a particularly difficult one and the first time she saw it she was overwhelmed by the difficulty level. So the box with the puzzling pieces lay quietly for a long time till she finally thought of giving it a try. 




The box was opened , the pieces released and spread on the table and the picture to be assembled was keenly observed. She wisely constructed the entire boundary first. So a while later there lay a rectangular frame. The most striking and dominant feature was a castle. So the construction started from bringing the castle to form by finding the right pieces. It took her sometime and the castle could be seen forming . Then the job became tedious and she put it to rest again. She kept coming back to it and everytime a few pieces found the right place. Sometimes they just fell in place magically and sometimes she kept scratching her head for long without getting results. So there were moments of getting 
things right and the feeling of being stuck. But patience has been her greatest asset ( which I sincerely want to develop to the level she has ) , she did not give up or put away her effort in any of the stuck up moments. It’s been a month now. The castle is complete .The patch of sky above and the sprinkle 
of greenery below has started revealing itself. 


I am amazed the way the insignificant irregular pieces have fallen together. I looked at it this morning feeling happy that it would finally be complete in sometime .I wondered isn’t life like a box of a particularly difficult puzzle. The only difference being we do not get a the final picture to tally later. Everybody gets to put there pieces together. Sometimes they fall magically together and sometimes they just refuse to fit in , stagnate and frustrate. So many time while you try to put them together 
and take time to look at what has already been placed , almost wondering if anything in life holds a meaning. Whether whatever has been put together is random or comes with a cosmic meaningfulness and a pre-destined frame work. 

The truth is whatever we do and whatever decisions we make , we are actually putting together the pieces of our life . Trying to reveal our purpose from an assortment of irregular meaningless pieces. There are bound to be moments when we get stuck and the particularly difficult puzzle called life may overwhelm and frustrate but the key is to keep at it. To keep the faith that this particular piece which is refusing to fit in now will eventually fall in place and play a significant role in revealing the final picture of this puzzle called life. 

Keep the faith. Keep at it.

Snakes and Ladders

Remember that board game with ludo on the opposite side... all you needed was a dice , an opponent and those flat colored dots to represent you on the board. Well it would be hard to believe that somebody of our generation didn't play that one. The game had a start and a finish point with a 100 steps ... lots of ladders and as many snakes... colored , spotted/striped snakes with fangs and that forked tongue ready to gobble your dot and shift you through there long tortuous body to a far far lower square .... eating up all your lucky dice throws. The ladders were the high points .. I loved the one which took you straight to the nineties row... Snakes and ladders was the more adventorous version of the Ludo game which is also was about reaching the destination. You raced your opponent without being eaten up by the snakes. Anyways in this video games era the little ones would give me a look of disdain if I suggested a board game like that and would be labelled uncool for sure. But somehow today the game flashed in my head as I tried to see it through a different looking glass. Life sometimes is like that game of snakes and ladders. A twist of luck and you achieve the unexpected though it happens as infrequently as the ladders in the board game. The Snakes are more real in this harsh competitive world today. All your hard work can turn to dust in a second and you are back to square one. But what is the game all about... to my eyes it is all about rising up after falling down...but in totality it's about rising .... ladders are the obvious means but snakes are the hidden ones.... cos once you fall you rise .. it's inevitable...but you have to be willing enough to throw the dice again...
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Another Prayer ... of Gratitude...

Dear God,


I said a prayer when I was losing faith
When I failed to gather the strength to take the next step....

I decided to call Quits and said my prayer ...


But I forgot that little story of footprints..... 

 


When I thought there was nothing left in me...
You made it happen .... You didn't call quits....

Through my loved ones you gave me courage
and strength and lifted me to my 'Karma'
and once I reached there you made me
realise that I could face it all....

I almost witnessed a miracle and I
do not know how things came to this point....

But dear God I am grateful that you proved
the story of footprints in sand for me....

The beautiful messages you sent me through
unsuspected means which I am now deciphering
slowly while I do away with burden of my ordeal....


Sometimes when we call Quits .... dear God you
keep your faith in us and never call quits...

Love you God ....for carrying me in this trying time...

Bless me with happy thoughts and take care
of my loved ones as you took care of me...

Amen....

A prayer...

Dear God, 

Kindle hope in my heart ... 
gimme strength to see all the dreams crumble 
and turn to dust.... 
but bless me with more dreams .... 

let me learn not to regret... for whatever decisions 
I make.... 

let me embrace life as it comes.... 

let me slow down and be free of what the world 
might think of me.... 

or how lonely or silent things may become ... cos 
I decided to quit .... 

let me understand that quitting is not always a 
sign of weakness.. 

let me experience all the good I can do even 
with all the broken tools... 

let me understand that those who love me will 
love me no matter what and those who change 
according to my success and failures 
are not worth a thought.... 

let me feel the gratitude for all your blessings 
without feeling the fear of losing them... 

let me find ways in the darkest of times... 

help me stand on my feet again... 

I know it will be a slow change and the suffering 
would not end just now ... right now....even miracles 
take time to reveal themselves... 

but help me learn to like myself even when I falter... 
when I fail to be what I ought to be... 

But let me believe most of all that you are there 
with me in every decision I make ... even the most crazy ones... 

let me believe that when I say 'I am on my own' you 
are there as an integral part of 'me'.... 

let me understand I am human and help me 
stay 'human'.... 

let me imbibe the positivity you have scattered around me 
like a sponge... let me soak it up to the core that there 
is no space left for the opposite charge ... for negative 
feelings and pessimism.... so that even when the hard times 
squeeze me out... all I exude is positivity.... 

let me find joy in raindrops and sunshine and not 
be bothered about what others have achieved ... 
save me from jealousy.... let me find sweetness in 
whatever you have blessed me with.... let me shun 
discontent... 

let my eyes see good in every event.... 

At this moment dear lord let me understand ... 
calling quits is a not a weakness and life will 
show me new ways to find meaning and purpose... 
let me believe that you are an integral part of me 
when I make this decision..... 

Amen! 

This time of the year has suddenly turned out to be such a repetitive ‘torture’ time for the past couple of years that I seem to be caught in a inescapable  time warp and a vicious vicious cycle that I consciously trap myself in everytime I have a chance to get myself out in that part of the year when the autumn leaves come twirling down.

It’s a decision trap... an escalation of commitment .... a supposed impossible dream... a silly deviation of my mind that engraves question marks on many a faces ..... I had smiled at that when I set foot on this path .... so sure that it’s my destiny ...... But this time of the year brings the toughest tide when I stand face to face with all that I am not... all that I lack .... and sometimes it’s difficult to salvage a sinking heart .... hard to tide over a herculean hurdle of my own choice.

More then anything else the silliest part to deal with is  when I lack the nerves to handle it all. It’s true that  true ingredients for success lie within ‘you ‘and it’s disheartening when I suddenly turn into this totally negative domain repelling positivity when I need it the most.....then my cognition goes haywire and I cultivate more and more  poisonous crops (thoughts) of self –defeat.... it grows and grows until my head is brimming with an aching burden of  fear of failure. From there begins the slow crumbling of the sunny dreams I build over years  dating back to childhood.

It’s hard to see myself like that .... cos deep down I know I been struggling to rise above it. Its like stretching out like an elastic band and snap! Coming back to square one with a little ache and bruise on your mind. What is beyond me is how come I haven’t called quits.... on all social scales it’s stupid to be pursuing something like that neglecting all personal endeavours .... and off late I have begin to believe the futility....

But then what’s wrong in being scared .... what’s wrong in losing?..... what’s wrong in trying for the sky and falling over and over again..... and I am gearing up for another fall..... i dunno what it would be this time .... .. frozen feet reluctant to take the plunge... but suddenly collapse into a fall with a pounding heart..... a bungee jump with all protected fall ... but a fall anyway..........  a  headon collision or a cushioned fall......... or may be ..... just may be .... this time I learn to rise ..... I learn to defy gravity.. maybe .... I grow wings this time..... and soar above the vicious cycle........

P.S. Need to say a prayer ..... each passing day....

It was an ordinary Sunday evening as I sat in front of the television with my cup of tea. A leisurely time .Before I could take a sip I was disturbed by strange vibrations and then suddenly the bed started moving too and fro. I reflexly blurted “Is it an earthquake?” and then within a few minutes we evacuated our house and stood outside wondering. A phone call gave an indication of some earthquake in Patna. It were the tremors of a distant earthquake that was clear by now. I had felt the tremors of the Bhuj earthquake a decade back and it was horrifying.  I was reluctant to go upstairs as I felt the 4.8 Richter aftershocks as well and my family agreed when the news confirmed a 6.8 Richter earthquake in Sikkim and a second one of 4.8 Richter scale.

It took time to unfold all the damage and loss of life. The intensity of the earthquake was so high that it could have been devastating had it been a densely populated metropolitan. What we felt was just a few seconds of horror and when the earth danced beneath me I didn’t know where to keep my feet and my thoughts. It was a blank head wrapped in fear. Nothing immediate or remote mattered which I was probably musing over before that sip of tea. The terrain it primarily effected has sparser population has an ongoing power project on the river Teesta by Teesta Urja limited. It was God’s grace that even earth’s wrath and ‘tandav’ could not unleash that great a devastation. It was the day of Vishwakarma Pooja and most workers had not come to work because of the Pooja .What a close miss!!

The Buddhist monastery Sikkim which turned into rubbles , could have been a century old if not for the earthquake. The fateful day being a Sunday the prayers finished at 5:30 in the evening rather than the usual 6:30 pm saving the monks from the earthquake that hit at 6:10 pm. God saved them all.

It took me sometime to normalize . All I wondered was that we are so badly entangled in the thick of thins that we fail to see the fraility of our existence. It was a two second tremor that brought me face to face to reality ........... it is other thing that I inevitably sunk back in the ‘maya jaal’ ... the ‘matrix’ by Monday morning J.  Same old juggling through the day ....racing and whining  endlessly for otherwise ‘meaningless’  goals .

Dandelion whisked by the wind

It's amazing to watch a white stray fluffy seed wandering... completely trusting the wind, swaying where ever the wind whisks it. Not complaining that it was the wind that uprooted it from it's abode but silently letting the uncertain happen to it without resisting. Letting the trust take away all fears and just imbibing the journey through hills and valleys... flowing through cluttered cities and rustic paths.. reeling in front of unsuspecting faces ,making children chase it while it follows the will of the wind. Sometimes being caught in a dreamy fist and whisked away again laden with a wish.

Sometimes I feel like a whisked dandelion seed being carried away by the  wind. But do I always trust the wind.I find myself sulking when my dreams crash, my efforts fail, I miss on what I desire. I try resisting the course of events ... try making a twist in the tale ... never knowing if it's my decision or just the influence of the grand plan making me work. You might say a dandelion seed is helpless against the mighty wind . But I would hate to believe that I am  helpless. So  when I flow aimlessly towards an uncertain future ... I would rather believe being whisked by a wind I trust.In the language most understood by humans ... I would like to name that wind God.

Trust is a divine endeavour and some silly times it's better to let go and trust God's Plan.

Building castles in the air

               We all have done that. Some have more frequently then the others. More easily when we were younger . Most of the time these airy thoughts culminate to nothing. But none of us can deny the pleasure involved in building these no brick ,no mortar, no sweat , no pain castles. The times when we sat with our friends , siblings or spouses ; holding hands or just chuckling away over tea and pakodas and discussing the intricacies and beauty of an unmatchable and favourable future full of achievements. What would we do when we become this or earn that? How great would it be when we would reach that place? What we would do when we retire? How much fun life would be when we achieve name and fame? One day I may write a book and win a Booker/Pulitzer/ Nobel!! Or enter politics and uproot all corruption and crime! Or start a big company and become the richest man/woman in the world...... the list goes on and on from the trivial to utterly significant.

                 Our mind weaves beautiful illusions which we savour with open eyes and don't mind talking about it. This whole exercise of pleasurable thoughts falls flat most of the times when hit with reality . As we grow we learn that dreaming too much may be synonymous with being dissapointed too much. So we learn the art of emotional insulation and refrain from premature celebrations. We learn not to build castles in the air as we grow wiser and walk deeper into the road called life. Thats a nice way of saving ourselves from despair. Besides this activity is but immature and childish.

                  I realised today that I have reached that understanding in life that I restrict myself from  being this imaginary architect of happiness . I shrug that dreamy circus and rationalize every possible action and it's consequence. I am meticulous and sensible. Yes! I don't indulge in building castles in the air anymore. Not that I did a deliberate attempt at that. It just gradually happened as I kept learning life. Somehow today I muse that what harm can this  little airy indulgence do, what can an innocent twinkle in the eye and an optimistic chuckle in the voice  take away. It's just a pure fun moment which can perhaps release positivity and some endorphins . Guarding too much and insulating too much may not serve the  intended purpose . So I guess no matter how old one gets one should build castles in the air occasionally ... for the sheer joy of it. I am sure doing some of that  now on ( but not overdoing of course !! :) )

No place for a world citizen...






Kalashnikov with Russian president



China is competing with the United States in millitary might by testing a new jet plane recently while US recently talked of cuts in the millitary budget by $78 billion dollars. The millitary expenditure hence is a mindboggling figure and it's a mad race of determining deterrence by hoarding more and more sophisticated weapons. The arms race that started betweeb US and USSR  during the cold war era  isn't abating . The START III treaty is being discussed and I am always befuddled by the numbers of warheads agreed to be deactivated. Imagining the cost of research, construction, maintenance , training , security and then deactivating is beyond the capacity of my tiny brain. But I do keep wondering when the G-8 countries talked about the inability to contribute to the Millenium Development Goals ,as earlier promised , under the pretext of the global financial crisis, did they compromise on the military expenses. I haven't fully grasped the concept of investing such humongous sums of money on agents of death and destruction. I am flabberghasted that  Kalashnikov the inveventor of deadly AK-47 was awarded hero of Russia.

       

         Perhaps all this could have been digested better if this was happening in  a world of affluence and equality. Then again the world was never equal , it's just a humanitarian philosophy and a utopian dream. When billions and billions dollars go into pumping up the military might of the developed world people in an unfortunate world steal grains from the lowest rung of creatures in the food chain. The Hindu reported a story of mass starvation in  drought stricken West Africa in june 2010. I have heard about people eating rats and roots but this shook my soul . With livestock dying and food prices soaring people in Niger were struggling to survive by eating leaves and collecting grains from ant hills !!! The following picture made me wince with pain and pity...              

                                                                               

                                                        

.             Nevertheless these horrifying stories of misery draw  brief attention  but don't lead to change of policies in the  developed world  that never ceases to exploit and flourish. Individuals and organizations work in humanitarian interest but invariably they all fall short in fighting the corruption, crimes, brutality, politics, destruction and war. Jeff Knaebel fell short too. He claimed to be a world citizen . The American millitary policies disillusioned this mining businessman so he  left everything and migrated to India. Here he worked for social causes and strived hard for an Indian citizenship. Even tearing off his American citizenship document could not win him Indian citizenship. He immolated himself on  Repulic day near a Buddhist shrine leaving whatever   money he possesed for charitable purposes , meticulosly dividing specific amount for each cause. Is that the destiny of a man of good intentions , generosity and humanitarian purpose?
                  
               In a divided world alarmingly competing over death and destruction, shamelessly indulging in genocide, increasingly overpowered by corrupt minds and  hopelessly losing a human face ..... is it surprising that there  is no place for a' world citizen' .......

Haron plese

Well even I took time to decipher that one. No my english vocabulary is intact and this ain't any European language. That is an inscription on the back of a truck. Does that ring a bell? Well I was travelling today  and this truck halted in front of my car at the traffic signal. Lost in my thoughts I absent mindedly read 'HARON' inscribed in bright blue several times. It was only after my gaze shifted to 'PLESE' that I was enlightened and I almost burst out laughing. That was the most ridiculous, innovative , blunderous distortion of 'HORN PLEASE' I have ever seen. With " बुरी नज़र वाले तेरा मुह काला '' as the standard prototype tag line accomanying the 'HORN PLEASE' the rear ends of those giant carrier machines could be real entertainers if you are on a long road journey involving highways. I am sure as you read through this one you would definitely recall some similar  distorted far from grammatic english that made you smile for that innocent display of ignorance without a clue.

                    PS . Have you ever been to a '' CHAI- NESE RESTAURENT" ?

Honey we shrunk our brains...!!

Yeah our brains are 10 % smaller then our anscetors. The latest research brings about this startling fact. So are we losing our minds as we are getting more advanced? or are we getting dumber with all the social networking, tweeting, texting and multitasking ? or is it that we are simply nearing the doom of the species? I thought we were getting smarter.

 Scientists are puzzled and put up different theories the most soothing and convincing one is that it is because we are more advanced and it's easier for us to survive so we don't need an extra grey matter. But it hasn't ruled out that it might be a dumbing down process. After all we have lost grey matter the size of a tennis ball!! Thats a whole lot of intelligence lost. Humans have worked tremendously hard to make their surroundings comfortable, safe and technologically advanced. We have reached a time where distances have shrunk, time isn't a barrier, communication is swift, almost everything can be canned , preserved, exported and purchased. People just need to earn and all is available at the nearest mall and that too on great discounts! All we need  to learn is how to operate in this hi-tech world . Reminds me of the movie 'The Gods must be crazy' where the narrator says that the humans became so advanced in the cities that it required 10 to 15 years of education for their children to learn to operate in that world. How true! So when your kid already an expert in texting on phone and using the internet looks all surprised and disgusted when he learns in school that milk comes out of a cow don't be alarmed .Perhaps the tennis ball of grey matter went away with all the  trivial taken for granted facts , some of the wisdom  and a lot of morality. My only hope is that our humour stays intact after all we are becoming light headed :P.

   Those who feel sad at the loss can find solace in chocolates cos a latest research ( of cos done by scientists from Hershey institute ) says  that chocolates are healthier then fruits when it comes to antioxidant content. And even  if the wrinkles on your brain are decreasing Loreal shall always ensure we wont have them on the face either :D :D. 

On camera

The spy cams are on sale with a discount offer.The the companies make sure you are aware of it through regular unwanted sms. I keep wondering what is the use of open sale of such products except to jeopardise peoples privacy. With all those technologically advanced cameras incorporated in phone sets its so handy for anyone to not only  to intrude but violate others privacy.
        The latest MMS circulating in JNU campus shows no matter how much we harp upon  improving education and curb deemed universities the rot has set in . JNU is the apex institute known to have generated and cultivated the best intellectuals in the country. This incident shows that education sans morality is the order of the day. The open  internet comments  on the issue were even more disheartening. The problem is the mms is probably still circulating and those who condemn it might have not restrained themselves from watching it. The girl left college without graduating. Whether she was a victim or a party remains uncertain. But  I see it as a discouragement to parents who send there girls to pursue higher education in such institutes.
     This loss of privacy and innocence is going to escalate. The inventors and innovators do not think about the far reaching implications of these gadgets. It isn't safe for girls to live in PGs cos they might be taped through hidden cameras , it's not safe to use trial rooms in shops cos you never know somebody might be using a camera. Girls can't be too trusting of their friends and boyfriends. These gadets are proliferating and flooding markets and luring the young and vulnerable minds with ever increasing consumerism . There is however a complete lack of check , restriction and laws as regards these technology tools. Being exploited , filmed , threatened , blackmailed  and blemished would become the order of the day if concrete steps are not taken in this direction.

PS. I was wondering how many spy cams have already been sold?

Spectrum

How would you feel if you enrolled in a new government initiated integrated graduation and postgradutaion course and when you are about to finish the five years you come to know that the institute cannot provide you a degree? worse how would you feel if you  gave up an engineering course to enroll in this course?Sounds like a nightmare. Doesn't it?
        Well that is the plight of the IISER (Indian Institutes of science education and research) students. A concept , started in 2006 aspiring to provide these institutes the same status as IITs ,has failed to carry the promise. The reason is simply lack of a law that would empower them to grant degrees. It  was hard to fathom the despair of students who once enrolled thinking they becoming the first batch of an excellent course.I was surprised the  government  could not pass this bill in five years!!  The reason the bill couldn't pass even this winter session was even more enraging. The 2G spectrum scam sapped away all the time of the winter session . Hence the fate of some brilliant students hangs in air .
       The scam is  a definite blemish on the existing government and a symbol of how deeply entrenched corruption has become in the system that a minister in office indulged in irregularities eating away public money while playing quid pro quo with telecom companies.Despite his deeds in 2007 he was reappointed the telecom minister and even after the allegations he continued to be in office. But deeds like these have more far reaching outcomes then what is directly visible. The monetary loss to the country is ofcourse there but the non passage of the above mentioned bill exemplifies how the spectrum of these scams can extend to overshadow the future of the citizens. The bright and promising career of some of the brilliant minds hangs in uncertainity because the parliament was too busy tackling whether there should be a JPC or not. The opposition party ( which sometime back was in deep mess when the Liberhan Committee report finally saw  light after thirteen years) was too busy pointing fingers at the ruling coalition (as the tables turned) to allow for minor laws to be passed . Then we have a CVC who himself is not free of corruption charges and still he is being backed up. .So 2G's  spectrum digged out  another scam -the  Palmolien case .Even if these are false allegations isn't it the responsibility of the government to appoint someone who has a clean record . Don't we have any other eligible candidate for that post.
             Alas! when one scam exposed brings out more and more dirt and mud slinging the bland topic of degrees of mere 79 students  can't possibly pull enough attention. They can wait for a degree because this nation is too busy  producing and dealing with scamsters .

The story was about to end. This was a predictable end  and I was still wondering why was the story so highly rated on indiblogger.More so why did I even put in the effort? But after some space there were two lines in the end . As I was about to scroll down and pay attention to those two lines my phone rang.

  It was an international call from an old college friend. A study partner and close to heart friend. But I was not smiling I looked at the phone and her name flashing for sometime. Finally made up my mind to pick the call . Her familiar voice. She was beginning to say something and suddenly realising something stumbled and asked " first tell me how are u?" I replied that I was fine. The call was distant but I felt my heart was more distant from her then ever. I don't remember  anymore how special she was to me . How many silly hours we spent talking philosophy, dreams , reading alchemist and Kahlil Gibran's work to each other. Then one day she pointed to an advertisement in the newspaper and asked me "what do you see?". I just saw two kids with candies in there hand .She pointed out that the sizes differed and the one with smaller candy was looking very longingly at the bigger candy. It took me years to grasp what she said later-- "this is the real philosophy life'.
     The green monster crept her heart without warning and ifelt it's presence when it was too late for me to recover from her accusations. She tormented herself and in the process stiffled our friendship. My success in her eyes became her failure and for me it was difficult to handle. I worked hard but hurting my close friend was not on my list. The togetherness ended with one sentence that scalded me for a long long time. I found solace in a virtual word , in my books and writings. In three years hence never came an apology or a word from her. As my wounds healed and things changed I rationalised that misundertsndings should not overshadow a beautiful friendship. There was a genuine effort from my side. It worked . We were talking and sharing again. However things never could be the same because seeds of jealousy never leave. I suddenly found myself trying to reach out and finding improper responses. Since I believe in being loyal and keeping friends I did not change. Past one year made me realise the second chance I gave to this friendship was not worth the effort and things can never be the same. Sometimes making me wonder was she ever a friend ! She moved to US and mailed me sometimes. When she needed help she always called else she wouldn't bother to contact.  As she was talking on the phone somehow all this was silently moving in my head as a background score. There was a kind of indifference and detachment that had seeped in me. I was trying hard to decipher the purpose of her call. Seemingly marriage and immigration was giving her a feeling of  being uprooted and a recent encounter with in-laws at a family wedding had left a bitter taste in her mouth. She was endlessly going on with her story. On one hand I was feeling angry and uneasy for being served all those miserable stories so late at night when I was sleepy and that I was still listening to her when I know that she isn't the same anymore. But on the other hand I felt sorry for her. I kind of understood her inner struggle. That severe identity crisis she was going through. Reluctantly though I still gave her a pep talk in my capacity but somehow poured in sarcasm which she couldn't miss. I tried to figure out what could make her feel better. Though single I tried to pacify her with examples of in laws of other friends . How they handle them . It was a weird conversation as in my head I was constantly reeling between hitting her on the soft spot (and making her pay for all the unpleasant feelings she gave and being indifferent to her plight )and really trying to give her  a fresh breath and a new thought. We talked for around an hour and as I was silly tired by then I ended the call.

 As I was winding up my things I suddenly recalled  the last two lines of the story still to be read . To my surprise after all that paranormal crap it wasn't a predictable story after all! The title of the story was intrestingly " The Last Number Dialled" . The author's reflection gave me a little insight into what I was beginning to lose sight of.... (if I may quote with credits to the blog author)

AUTHOR’S REFLECTION: Life might give you the second chance or it might not. But you definitely can give yourself that second chance. When it comes to relationships, don’t make hurried decisions and if you make them, make those decisions work. ( link to the story http://vipulgrover.blogspot.com/2009/10/last-number-dialled.html )

    I am still musing at this subtle coincidence . However in all probability despite all the contradictions in my head I know relationships/ friendships  go through phases and it's not easy to snap out of them .Perhaps it's all about holding on when it comes to long term ones.
   

 Summers in childhood meant mangoes , vacations and that fizzy drink in bottles that had a sweet teasing taste and that gave us funny burps that irritated the nostrils . Inspired from coca wine and kola nut flavoured citric acid non alcoholic drink called coca cola was a treat in summers .As we grew so did that carbonated drink not only the sales but the brands and flavours. Then cola companies became international giants who spend millions on just advertisement Now of course its perrenial , omnipresent, celebrity endorsed (Heck I don't understand why they keep making new ads every few months) and almost acquiring a cult status ( remember youngistan!!)  . Off and on in controversy for contaminants and with absolutely no nutritional value surprisingly it has a great hold on the markets. People consume it all over the world just guided by the taste buds and hardly bothering about health and cost effects. Cola for sure is hard on teeth and the sweetness is just additional calories. In short unhealthy. So what is the secret of cola . Is it the magic of marketing? Is it cos it's another symbol of US hegemony and there 'thurst upon the rest of the world ' American lifestyles? Or is it the magic of fizz? . Whatever the reason it has side tracked other healthier beverages (like tea, coffee , milk products (chhachh , lassi), panna, fruit juices, lemonade, coconut water). I personally have shunned carbonated drinks for more than a year.

   However there is good news that finally Indian scientists at CSIR have come up with a herbal carbonated drink which is under trial . I was glad that they were thinking and working on those lines .I hope that they produce a herbal cola that give a healthier lifestyle to not only Indians but rest of the world.This is a pleasant relief and hopefully we will see it in the markets in a few years. 

Indecent diplomates

Diplomacy is the art and practice of conducting negotiations between representatives of groups or states. Thats roughly how wikipedia defines diplomacy and further labels diplomates as essential peace makers. The Union Publc Service Commision after a year long gruelling examination selects administrators and diplomates. The ones who reach to such a dignified position are the best educated, talented and intelligent lot of the country. But alas education , talent or intellect never guaranteed morality . Thats what reflected in the bit of news I read today . Two diplomates have been recalled from services due to their sexual misconduct. Thankfully the foreign secretary being a woman took  stringent action and called for zero tolerance on the issue. One officer serving in an Indian Mission in London was recalled because of assaulting his wife . The other was posted at a permanent mission of India in UN was recalled for allegedly misbehaving with a female copassenger on a New York bound Air India flight.
   The peace makers are beating up their wives and the negotiators are crossing the limit of decency. What is wrong with these men? Is it that these were isolated cases of perversion and violence ? or is it the tip of the iceberg? So much so for the grand selection procedure by the government . These men  who were supposed to be the epitome of etiquette  are shaming the country internationally. These incidences again bring out the fact that we live in times where morality has come to nadir. School boys are raping and murdering their classmates  and the people who one would expect to have  exemplary behaviour are in news for sexual misconduct. I recall a few lines of W.H. Auden's poem...
The shield of Achilles..

She looked over his shoulder
For athletes at their games,
Men and women in a dance
Moving their sweet limbs
Quick, quick, to music,
But there on the shining shield
His hands had set no dancing-floor
But a weed-choked field.



A ragged urchin, aimless and alone,
Loitered about that vacancy; a bird
Flew up to safety from his well-aimed stone:
That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
Of any world where promises were kept,
Or one could weep because another wept.

       Women are being harassed in schools , work places , while commuting and  are battered at homes. The two women victimized in the above incidences were definitely educated and empowered yet they had to go through the physical and mental trauma before any action was taken. Is the recall enough in the above cases? Why is that we have failed so bad in inculcating morality and good behaviour in the male population? Is it not time that the morality be included in true sense in our society and educational system and not as a mere tactic to restrict women?

SEN.. tenced...

The latest Frontline issue has an extensive coverage on the rigorous life imprisonment to Dr. Binayak Sen. I was deeply shocked at the verdict. He was in prison for about two years when he was given a bail in 2009. A doctor who left a bright future to work selflessly for tribals in Chattisgarh . A human right activist who is acclaimed the world over for his work and had a lot of international support during his imprisonment. A selfless person who has evidently not harmed anyone ends up a life term .
            The government and the medical fraternity has always been trying to find ways to motivate doctors to go to villages. But it's hard for anybody to have five to eight years of rigorous studies and then subject oneself to hardships in a no resource, no progress and no  gain scenario. In this context his efforts to save the tribal population from malnutrition and diseases like malaria made me deeply admire him. His crime  of being associated with maoist seems to me like  ploy to silence a voice for human rights. How many people have the courage to become barefoot doctors. I know I don't have that. I am well aware of the fact that the greatest internal threat to our country is naxalite extremism . It is however a complex problem and government insensitivity and judicial incompetence can lead to aggravating the situation and further deterorating people's faith in a government. The Frontline issue has questioned the severe punishment and clearly brought out the flawed judgment. I was thoroughly dissapointed by the statements of two politicians ( who in my eyes are credible and I have  respect for) in this regard. This verdict is in a sessions court and definitely this is going in the higher courts but one begins to lose faith in the system when rapists , murderers and  scamsters get away and the selfless and innocent bear the burden.

If you are lost you can look and you will find me... time after time...

I do a random surfing of T V channels and end up watching August Rush (movie)  midway. I have 'A Hundred Years of Solitude' in my hand as I cozy up under the quilt ( the book has finally started making sense to me as Ursula is blinded by her cataract and sees more then ever before.. sounds crazy .. I know). In the earlier surf I had seen five minutes of the movie before my mom switched to her channel and I sank into the page 259 of the book. Those five minutes of watching I could make out that the movie was about 'rich girl' meets 'cute boy', fall in love  and they are separated. Did not interest me much. But the second time when I surfed back to the channel I find the 'rich girl' sitting at her father's deathbed when he reveals her a secret. That her child is alive and he gave him away to an orphanage. Next scene I see a cute ten year old playing guitar in a park. A musical child prodigy who eloped from the orphanage to search his parents through his music. I stop reading and watch the rest of the drama . The age old lost and found emotional theme that bollywood thrived on. I was surprised at my anxiety to see the musician parents meet their offspring, who themselves have been separated by fate, knowing very well that it is going to be a happy end. The last scene did not leave me without relief and satisfaction as if I played a vital part in that reunion. The same thrill struck me while I was reading 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' last week . I was so happy when Tariq returns to Laila after ten years of suffering even though that shouldn't be too much of a surprise in this daily soap era. But it did. I think it was the whole emotion of losing somethimg precious, vital, important and when all hope was leaving getting it back again.
        The unexpected rise after the inevitable sinking was the thought that struck me . It made me want to write. The loss could be as trivial as losing your belongings on a metro rail just because you were in a hurry. Before you could realize and return, the doors shut and you are left with this sinking feeling of annoyance, regret, anxiety and most of all loss. But after that range of emotions pass  there is a frantic effort to get it back. There is a mixed feeling of never finding it , a hope that you might and spurts of annoyance and regret. The mind is tormented .But if after great effort you find the right person who  guides you to find that metro rail again and if you are fortunate enough that nobody displaced it. Then the feeling of finding the lost is exhilarating.This happened to a friend of mine on New Year's eve. She narrated the incident on phone and I could sense that the interim between losing and finding can flood one with emotions of all range. She ended up calling it a miracle. We all experience that in  great and small measures. Interestingly as these thoughts were incubating I came across another incident when a respected elder of mine narrated his 'lost and found' story. I was horrified to learn that he lost his educational certificates on his way to the interview venue for civil services. In a daze of reaching in time he left the file in the auto. Those were the days when cell phones and even pagers were non existent.Two hours to go for  the interview and he was standing in the middle of nowhere.Then he recalled that the driver was a sardar and he probably was needing some repair for his vehicle. His mind worked in the right direction found the auto at a mechanics shop. Luckily he found his file and cleared the interview too. He admits that between lost and found he could see the course of his life changing once and for all.
 As I watched August Rush direct the orchestra at the climax and his parents moving towards him in the crowd . The music in my ears made me recall all these incidences and they linked up together to tell me that even thoughts that are lost can come back and give a feeling of something being found !

2011 .. the new year is finally here...

It's the first day of the brand new year. Like a fresh page to write on.

I hope i can take the roller coaster ride ahead with optimism.

Tread unknown terrain and tough paths with self belief and confidence.

Have true friends to rely on and confide in

  Have the time to share a joke and laugh                                                                                                                                        

                                                                              .and to dance 

  

      Have enough spirit to face critics and people who pull me down.

To read and write and learn more and more and work with sincerity.         

To learn how to deal with conflicting situations without losing my calm 

To be more expressive and refrain from bottling up.

So it's like a beginning of possibilities ....

                                                     LETS GO EXPLORING ...

         HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!